3+ years.shelter.random.spark!ignore.knock.kaleidoscope.biglaan.takot.kaibigan.ngiti.fit.stuck.tsk.tsk.

pangamba.iyak.tattoo.forget.pulitika.write.bells!rain.stand together.guhit.haha

…at mahabang listahan ng mga di inaasahang salita

ako: paumanhin

The Bells – April Smith

Where I spend dusk until before midnight. Katipunan is more peaceful at night. It’s a little melancholic too.

*Kuha mula sa 14th floor ng isang gusali.

** a repost from untold territories|photos

So, finally, I managed to be at the Quezon City Circle before dark to have a biking spree with Mike. This has been his weekend hobby ever since he started learning how to ride a bike just recently. (bwahahaha)

I just came from the dentist that day and felt a little down about a bad news regarding my teeth and health. I wanted to jog but I didn’t have the strength so I challenged Mike to hop on a bigger mountain bike instead of the usual “korean bike” (charming little bicycle with a basket in front of it) he usually rides.

Mike successfully maneuvered a bigger bike and I felt relieved. The bike trail in Circle was narrow and very challenging. We must maintain alertness throughout the whole terrain so as not to bump into other bikers of varied ages, bike sizes, speed, adventuresome and sanity. I had to be most careful with 1) cute little kids

who are very slow and can occupy the whole lane with their bulky side car bikes and 2) mischievous boys who are very fast and who like to swerve. Most of the trail are well cemented but there are parts with mud puddles.

Throughout the whole biking experience, I only had two little accidents: 1) I fell into a small canal while trying to avoid bumping into these cute little kids and 2) I drove out of the terrain and fell on the ground near a big tree after a split-second of daydreaming staring at nothingness while free-wheeling on a downhill.

We had a delicious noodle-dinner at Pho Hoa with Ade afterwards. It was very fun, relaxing and detoxifying.

*Mga kuha ni Kiko at Altair

** More photos: multiply

Sarahs was not enough for Mike and I, who always get out of the office very late at night even on Fridays. We rushed from a late dinner with our sweet colleague Rhoda in Katipunan to Sarahs only to find out that it was about to close at the end out first bottle. Ade and Al were already in a different dimension and state-of-being and we had to catch up with them. All the others have gone home.

Mike had the wittiest idea that night. He dragged us (Al, Ade, & me) to our first Soju experience.

Finally, I have tasted the popular Soju YH always talks about. I’ve been so curious about this drink and probably its cultural context too.

So from Sarahs we took a tricycle-ride halfway to Jim’s, the 24-hour bar that accommodates all bitin-throats. I have confirmed that the Soju we drank was authetic. YH confirmed it. It was a clear white liquid that seemed to be delicately stored in a green bottle marked with Korean characters.

Mike, carefully filled up four shot glasses and we made the first toast.  It glided smootlhy through my throat like water, then it gave a kick similar to gin at the last drop. We drank beer in between soju toasts. At first, I said it was nothing. Moments later, I felt like giggling and laughing at the corniest jokes and comments.

The morning after felt light. It’s amazing. 5 stars!

*more photos: multiply

Pasensya na sa mga naghihintay

Hindi ako matalas pag-alala ng mga petsa. Noon, nagalit siya sa akin kung bakit nakakalimot raw ako, kung bakit tila hindi ko raw pinahahalagahan ang mismong mga araw na iyon na dapat naming ipagdiwang o alalahanin.

Kaya rin siguro mahina ako sa history. Kasi, parati nalang petsa ang dapat i-sagot sa mga exam. Natatandaan ko ang mga kuwento, mga matatalas na salita, pati na rin ang mga detalye, itsura at kung paano nangyari. May visual image lang akong nakikita, pero hindi ko masipat kung nasaang bahagi doon nakasulat mga numero, buwan at taon.

O kaya kung bakit din ako parating nahuhuli. Parati akong huli sa mga tagpuan, pasok, trabaho, pulong, kitaan, pati date.

Malamang dahil binibilang ko lang ang panahon sa mga sandali, hindi minuto kundi, sa mga sandaling ramdam na ramdam ko ang mga pinakamaiigting na emosyon. Lahat ng iba pa ay tila mga tulay sa susunod na paglagpak o pagsikad papalipad.

Kaya muli, paumanhin na sa mga naghihintay, nagbibilang at nagmamadali.

———————————————————

Muli akong maglalathala ng isang berso mula sa imbakan. Minsang kinimkim ngunit matagal nang napamahayan ng agiw at nawalan ng saysay. Pasensya na sa mga naghihintay, pero ngayon lang mapapakawalan ang mga bersong minsan kong inangkin at ikinulong bilang segundo. (smiley)

Pagkagulat (Isang Segundo)

(2006)

i.

(Kanina pa ako nakatitig sa kawalan.

Paulit-ulit kong kinakabisado ang anyo

ng lalaking kilalang-kilala ko.

Ang wangis ng mukha, tapyas ng buhok,

kurba ng braso, taludtod ng likod, kumpas ng katawan,

paraan ng paglalakad. Kilalang-kilala ko siya.

Bakit nga ba hindi kita kasama ngayong gabi?)

ii

Isang segundo.

sumabog ang puting ilaw sa palibot ng paningin kong

kanina’y tuwid na tuwid ang pagkakatitig sa kawalan.

Pagkagulat.

sa kaunting pagpitik ng pilik-mata,

naaninag ko ang lalaking kilalang-kilala ko,

at ang babaeng hindi naman ako

na naglalakad sa rutang araw-araw kong nilalakaran

kasama ang lalaking kilalang-kilala ko.

Hinto. Gulat!

Hikbi.

iii.

sigurado akong ikaw ‘yon sa kilos at paglalakad mo.

hindi kita abot ngunit nagkatitigan tayo.

Kalahating segundo,

takot ang mga mata mong dati’y

malalim, maningning, malambing na tumititig sa akin

habang nakadampi ang kamay ko sa itaas ng iyong braso

Gulat!

dama ko ang paglalakad sa rutang

araw-araw kong nilalakaran sa iyong tabi,

Pagkapatid.

ang init ng kamay mong nakabuhol sa aking daliri

at ang paghakbang ng tsinelas natin habang naglalakad,

Panlalamig.

ang mga mata mong malalim, maningning,

at malambing na nakatitig sa akin,

Hinto.

Isang segundo, nagpatuloy ka sa paglalakad,

ang lalaking kilalang-kilala ko,

kasama ang babaeng hindi naman ako.

Nangyari ang lahat sa loob ng isang segundo.

Hinto.Hikbi.Paypay.Buntong-hininga.

*a repost from untold territories|unlimited

I shivered. It was the sudden upbeat, rapid, forbidden throbbing of my heart that ordered me to take my hand back.

I looked down. My two hands were calmly resting on my keyboard. I glanced back at the screen and saw his endearing smile.

Simple pleasure. But why did I ever learn that LDRs don’t work, too early?

Could it be?

I plan to stay single a little bit longer.

There, I finally blurted it out and formalized it in writing. (Gosh, i heart my new blog, I can write whatever I want. Haha!) I still don’t feel compelled to say this to appease my friends with their ‘probing’ inquisitions. Rather, I write it to affirm my convictions.

I said it as though I have other options. And I wrote as if falling in love can be planned. In fact I do have choices, I have four… and counting. Haha! But, I don’t want to barge into a new relationship unscrupulously just because I’m emotionally fragile.

Of course, I couldn’t pick the right moment to fall in love. But I believe that relationships can’t reside on feelings alone. Having heard a lot of heart-breaking stories of failed relationships and marriages, I think people forget that one should have a certain level of maturity and responsibility when they decide to be together. That is what I am not ready for.

I still can’t define love but I’m learning to say “i love you” in different languages, maybe so that, I can understand if they truly have the same meaning in different cultures.

But I don’t want to expound on this. I haven’t been thinking much about that lately. But I believe in love and all it’s various forms. Maybe, that is why, I enjoy being single at the moment. I don’t feel wanting for anything, so I’m having the time of my life. I don’t feel wanting, so any simple pleasure I get is quite excessive for me that I feel very blessed.

This feeling is quite new to me (that I haven’t been single for sometime) that I feel overwhelming joy in this state of emotional detachment. This time, I can focus fully on myself and my craft, with undivided attention. Having been single for quite some time now, I discovered that I’m surrounded with heaps of various forms of love. And I feel so blessed that even though I’m not wanting, simple pleasures come my way in large doses every single day.

Things that make me feel so blessed every day:

1. New discoveries in various fields like language, literature, culture, arts, science and technology
2. Hanging out with old and newly-found friends and loving friends who love me back, unconditionally
3. Special favors I get, most of the time from Guys 1 & 2
4. Kilig moments especially with Guys 3 & 4 (hihi! kilig laugh)
5. Exposure to poetry nights, art exhibits, music gigs, and watching heart-felt, well executed movies
6. Admire great people, beauty, talent and profound ideas and principles
   
7. Beauty of nature and wisdom for humanity

And here, I’m making a partial list of things I’ve been wanting to do:

1. Finish my long overdue thesis and make a contribution in my field of study, in language and society
2. Discover the essence of being “human” and live for humanity. (I still firmly believe this has something to do with class struggle but I have to reconcile these ideas with my petty personal experiences and contemplations)
3. Gain weight: Ideal weight should be 110-120lbs Argh! I’m only 98lbs last time I stepped on the weighing scale. Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. Eat every 3 hours.
   
4. Take dance lessons and/or yoga lessons. I want to dance carelessly. I want to collect my thoughts.
5. Jog at least once a week and play sports (preferably soccer, tennis, swimming, or boxing). I want to detoxify regularly!
6. Climb Mt. Pulag
7. Visit Baguio and Sagada and go to the beach (preferably Bohol, Palawan or Borawan)
8. Have a trip to another country (preferably visit my family in the US and/or England, or trip to Bangkok, Kuala Lumpur, Jakarta, Seoul or Hong Kong)
9. Write more. Finish all my writing projects. Write poetry and heart-breaking short stories  for humanity. Write in Filipino and /or Ilocano. Share my poetry with a crowd. Do a performance art.
10. Learn how to scribble Alibata first before learning to speak and write more foreign languages.

So, there’s the list of reasons why I planned to stay single a little bit longer. I think it makes sense that I also moved my wedding date to er… 30, for now. Time of our lives muna and sepia-toned loving!* Woohoo!

Lover, You Shouldve Come Over (Live Acoustic) – Jeff Buckley

*from Jack Johnson’s “Better Together”

Bilang pagdiriwang ilalathala ko ang isang bersong naisulat at muntik nang mabulok sa isang sulok ng aking imbakan.

Bukas, pagdilat mo ng iyong mga mata,
pag sumilip na ang araw sa iyong bintana,
dadampian ka ng malamig na hangin,
hahawakan mo ang iyong pisngi.
Suot mo pa ba ang natitirang bakas ng aking halik?
Ito ang araw ng pag-alala sa mga umagang
nakagisnan mong umikot sa iyong kama
at masilayan ang aking mukha.
Gigising ako mula sa isang gabing
muntik nang di matapos at kasama ka.
Ito ang araw ng pag-gunita
Sa mga umagang nakalimutan mo na.

- dina julian